To my twenty-something friends

Inspiration from Antonette Scarlett

I am 50 now and wow it has been a journey. I have learnt so much from my experiences and vicariously from the experiences of others. On my birthday I started making a list to my 20 something self, lessons I learnt along the way from my successes and failures from learning from others. These are things I would do or keep doing if I could be 20 something again. Most importantly, I want to share with my 20 something children what seems to have worked for me and what I have learnt from what hasn't worked.

LOVE

• Don't be afraid to love hard but sensibly; let your true self come to the fore when you love. There is always a reason to love someone and there is always something in everyone to love. Seek for that reason and that someone and you will be loving for a long time. If separation is inevitable, leave knowing that you gave love your best. Break-ups should not stop you're wanting the best for the other person...there is no grace in hating others. Hate, grudge-bearing and unforgiveness is poison to the one who practices them. Of course, when you leave, move on. No sense in torturing each other… and their new (flame) significant other.

• Get to know your partner: their family background, their family members, their dreams, aspirations, likes, dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses, their areas of perfections and their flaws.

• Try to find ways to appreciate and enjoy intimacy with your partner. Sex should be the last stage of intimacy; explore the many ways to love and connect with that person before jumping in bed with them. If the other ways of intimacy don't work out for both of you, even if there is much chemistry in sexual connection with each other, that cannot a relationship make or keep.

• In relationships of all kinds especially marriage learn to major on the major and minor on the minor. Realistically decide which is which.

RELATIONSHIPS

• Don't have expectations of anyone else but yourself and God. God never fails; He is trustworthy and He brings good out of all situations. We cannot change others; we can only change ourselves.

• Learn your family members, friends and business partners' Love Language. This will save you from conflicts which come out of unmet expectations and needs.

• Remember our thoughts and words have power. Try not to think or speak negative words in your life or the lives of others.  Murder begins with a thought and the mouth the most frequent weapon.

• Practice empathy, kindness, humility, mercy, forgiveness, second chances. Show these to everyone. It will improve all your relationships. Treat people the way you want to be treated and not how they treat you.

• Spend time listening to others before you speak. Practice art of listening. Listening is one of the highest signs of respect shown to others.

• Have one or two close friends and/or even if it's members of your family who you call on for accountability feedback, cheer-leading, sharing or support of any sort. No one is an island; we all need someone.  

• Physical, emotional and other kinds of abuse must always be shared with a trained counsellor, pastor, trusted family member or friend who can help to give perspective and solutions. Never suffer in secret.

• Give your parents and family members unconditional love, respect and honour regardless of who they are; we don’t get choose our blood relations.

DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS

• Dream big! Create TO-DO lists and timelines for things you want to accomplish, then do them.

• Invest in your personal development: always seek to grow, explore your gifting and talents, find a mentor, attend personal development seminar, enroll higher education and/or complete short courses and always be learning.

• When you start working, open a savings account for retirement and don’t touch it. Two-five percent of your earnings is good enough; nothing to stress you. This account should be different from your short to medium term savings for study, car, house, vacation planning.

• Don't dwell on the past. Rehearsing past successes can leave you feeling comfortable and keep you from breaking new frontiers towards future successes. Rehearsing past mistakes and failures can be debilitating, defeating and counter productive.

• Be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses.  However, don't brag about your strengths or put yourself down because of your weaknesses.

SOUL TRUTHS

• In this fast pace changing world, maintain a few nonnegotiable values (God's word, your family wisdom and formal learning) will become your measurement for all decisions you make.

• Always be in tune with God so that you can have direction in every decision you make. As your Master Planner, He already knows the purpose he has ordained for your life. Follow him and your life will have meaning. Of course, you should be aiming to live a meaningful life and not a perfect life. No one has a perfect life.

• Be disciplined and balanced in working, saving, eating right, keeping the body and mind, spirit, emotions healthy, and keeping in touch with family and friends.  Also set aside GOD time and ME time.

• Look for the beauty which you exude at each step of life... it may be your face,  your hair, your physique or form at different stages of your life... whatever it is, celebrate it ensuring that your heart, the core of who you are, is at all times and stages exuding the eternal beauty of love and kindness towards yourself and others.

• Smile often, laugh heartily and when you need to cry be unafraid. These emotional expressions are 'green juices' (cleansing) to the soul.

• Life happens. Our life is in the hands of someone more powerful than ours. Embrace change and don't be afraid of problems, both are inevitable and not always expected. If you don't live in a box, then change is easier. This openness to change will free your mind to figure out the solution to any problem.  Change and problems are not our enemies, our attitude toward them can be. Within every problem or situation which calls for change, there are several opportunities for growth, new beginnings, creative solutions and transformation of character. 

• God does not condemn us.

• Do not judge others. We would need to know everything about a person's situation/experience to understand why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do. Our only judge is God.

• Make eternal preparations not just temporal earthly ones. As you spend your life achieving your personal goals relating to education, career, family, material possessions and influence, remember to make provision for your eternal soul.